A Cusp
I'm finally starting to crack under the pressure of all the ridiculous bullshit I've been forcing upon myself for too long now. I'm getting awfully tired of all the talk of motivation mumbo-jumbo I keep subjecting myself to. I sound like some kind of apologist hippy. I've been telling myself for too long that I don't have the kind of inherent drive to get things done that other people do, and it's been a lie all along to keep myself from having to step outside my little life of ease and face the realities that billions of people face every day.
I'm extremely tired of this unhealthy life of decadence I've been leading. Every day I stay up til the wee hours of the morning, I spend what hours I am awake goofing off, wasting precious hours every day where I could be working to improve my station, alleviating the totally unnecessary pressures I've put upon myself through nothing but laziness. I drink too much, smoke cigarettes, laze around day in and day out, spend money like I won the lottery, and have in general just let myself go. I never exercise, don't keep myself up nearly as well as I should, don't even keep this crappy little closet I live in clean, like it's big enough to take any time at all (it's not; it's about the size of a large bedroom). Ostensibly it's all been under the pretense that I'm living some kind of carefree life, but it's resulted in being about as stressed out and down on myself as I've ever been before. It is past time to get my life on track. I know I'm capable of being at least as efficient and hardworking as anybody else, because I got all sorts of praise during my time in Fallujah, kept the platoon and especially my own vehicle running smoothly. I just have to stop letting myself get away with so much nonsense, and man up to the fact that I have to play by the same rules as everyone else.
Amusing side note: This rant and the generally ticked-off mood I'm in is the result of not being able to get back to sleep at 7 in the morning because I was plagued with so many concerns, so much I felt like I absolutely had to get done or I'd lose my mind, and all this after maybe 3.5 hours of sleep. Evidently even I am not allowed to cause my own sleep deprivation...do whatever you want to me, just don't cause me any shortage of sleep, or I will go to the root cause of any problem to make sure it never happens again.
I'm extremely tired of this unhealthy life of decadence I've been leading. Every day I stay up til the wee hours of the morning, I spend what hours I am awake goofing off, wasting precious hours every day where I could be working to improve my station, alleviating the totally unnecessary pressures I've put upon myself through nothing but laziness. I drink too much, smoke cigarettes, laze around day in and day out, spend money like I won the lottery, and have in general just let myself go. I never exercise, don't keep myself up nearly as well as I should, don't even keep this crappy little closet I live in clean, like it's big enough to take any time at all (it's not; it's about the size of a large bedroom). Ostensibly it's all been under the pretense that I'm living some kind of carefree life, but it's resulted in being about as stressed out and down on myself as I've ever been before. It is past time to get my life on track. I know I'm capable of being at least as efficient and hardworking as anybody else, because I got all sorts of praise during my time in Fallujah, kept the platoon and especially my own vehicle running smoothly. I just have to stop letting myself get away with so much nonsense, and man up to the fact that I have to play by the same rules as everyone else.
Amusing side note: This rant and the generally ticked-off mood I'm in is the result of not being able to get back to sleep at 7 in the morning because I was plagued with so many concerns, so much I felt like I absolutely had to get done or I'd lose my mind, and all this after maybe 3.5 hours of sleep. Evidently even I am not allowed to cause my own sleep deprivation...do whatever you want to me, just don't cause me any shortage of sleep, or I will go to the root cause of any problem to make sure it never happens again.
posted by Roger W. at 7:38 AM
5 Comments:
Roger,
Don't be too hard on yourself. You went from month after month of rigid structure and high stress to virtually no structure at all. The stress was still there, and will be. You need to get some structure, though, to help deal with the stress.
1. Exercise! You need to stay in shape, and exercise will help you deal with stress, plus it will help you sleep. Set a time every day where you will exercise for a specified period of time, and then do it!
2. Eat on a regular schedule. You know how your Grandma Willey, does it, and it makes sense. Establish a regular time to eat breakfast and lunch at least.
3. Complete some small task each day that will make you feel better about yourself. Straighten up your apartment, it will make you feel like you've done something useful. Wash your car, or do the dishes or laundry.
4. Set yourself a reasonable time to get to sleep. You've always fancied yourself a night owl, but that kind of schedule will really screw up your biological clock, and mess up your sleep patterns. I've got wierd sleep habits myself, and I know from experience, that there is nothing happening anywhere at 3:00 a.m. that is worth staying awake for.
5. Do yourself a favor, a quit the cigarettes. Switch to cigars, or cigarillos, or quit cold turkey. It's a hell of a lot harder than quitting drinking, but you'll feel better and have more money in your pocket. If you need motivation other than your own health, consider that a large portion of every pack of cigarettes (and cigars) are taxes, and those taxes go to guys like Rod Blagojevich. Why do you willingly give money to Rod Blagojevich?
6. Remember, no man is an island. Don't spend too much time alone, or functionally alone by spending all your time in bars with people you don't know, don't care about, and who don't care about you. It's not a good idea spending time with people who have unhealthy lifestyles, because those lifestyles will start to seem normal, and they're not. If you are talking to some dumbass on the Internet at 4:00 a.m., it doesn't mean you have a different constitution than other people, it just means you are acting like a dumbass and willing to hang out with other dumbasses. Moderation is usually the best policy.
7. When I used to get depressed and pissed off, Sarah would say, "You need to go to church and take a class." As it turns out, that was good advice. If nothing else, it creates structure in your life.
Like I said, don't be too hard on yourself. Most all people I know, including myself, have gone through some down periods in their life. Just put your head down, and have a little faith. Try to do the little things that will help you cope with life.
Love,
Dad
if anything, i hope you've gleaned from our conversations that you've got to do what's right for you and that you're totally capable of that. i also hope that i've not said anything to lead you away from that realization. perhaps you shouldn't get so upset and you should just go at your own pace, but i honestly believe that your frustrations will lead to your own happiness. i also still think it would help to try and see the little steps between this low and the high you seek.
anyway, i love you and i hope you'll be blatant in seeking from me any kind of support you may need.
I don’t think you’re any different than any one else, everyone has down time. The biggest things in acknowledge yourself because only you know truly who you are and what your potential is. The hardest thing is being able to see it. I always refer to that as an out of body experience. You need to stop and look back at yourself and say “Do I really like who I am.” That’s something that not everyone has the capabilities of doing, not because it’s difficult but because you have to be honest with yourself and be mentally focused to take it head on and fix the things you don’t like. This is one of the hardest things in life you will ever have to do. I think people don’t stop enough and look at themselves, they’re to worried about what the person next door has or is doing or has done and never see themselves. You should be proud of yourself for being able to know your ways have gone astray. Fortunately you have the ability to fix it and hopefully choose to fix it. Not everyone chooses to “fix” what they don’t like about themselves, they just keeping heading on that path to being part of the entitlement generation. I check your blog daily, not because I have nothing better to do but suck up valuable company time and resources, but because it brings me joy. I enjoy reading as you maunder thru your thoughts and read your insight; it makes me smile from time to time. Thanks for everything
Roger,
You are one of the brightest young men I know, and on a very short list of guys I would call "decent friends that I respect." That's not just lip service to make you feel good about yourself, its the truth.
But I've also been a little disappointed when I look at what you've done versus what you could be doing.
We all have those periods where we seem adrift, and I figure you'll find your way sooner or later. I just hope its sooner rather than later.
P.S. Did you give your mother a hard time yet about the barber/client privelege issues?
I kind of know how you feel; I still feel like I'm going through a period of re-adjustment, and I keep telling myself I need to get out of it. Working out does truly help, although I hate working out alone and it's been hard to find a workout partner since Andy started dating and then moved away. Regardless, if you land a job, that will help, and hopefully you'll be ready to finish up school soon. I'm planning on being in ye olde home town this summer, so that will put me closer to you. We can hang out, work out, whateva. See ya around, man.
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